[dropcap]I[/dropcap] haven’t watched television in a long time, however I’m familiar with the Staples commercials which have an office employee in the midst of an enormous mess and when suddenly the reset button appears. And just like that – All is well again. I have been waiting for a long time for a reset button to appear in my life, as have many of us. In our minds we want to see a fairy archetype appear like magic holding this button to perpetually remove all unsavory incidents from our journey in mid stride. Many times I wished that a being would appear to take all the troubles away, but alas it has never arrived. Perhaps the button was just a symbol – of the great challenging transformation I knew in my heart I would have to take on myself.
Last year was a climatic year. The last blog I wrote for Solpurpose, I spoke about 2011 being one of shedding your skin, a death to rebirth cycle…and oh so was this ever the truth! I found myself in 2011 going through one of the most intensely emotional and psychological years I’ve ever had to experience in my life. Having to face the demons in my soul, the traumas and emotional heartaches – a powerful time where I had to not only understand why certain unhealthy conditions were present in my life, but how to break free from them. And believe me…this wasn’t an easy process at all.
I remember shortly after my solar return in 2011, which I truly attribute to my personal new year – I was working a contract position that paid a grossly amazing salary in a hospital. However the universe provided this abundance with a pretty enormous catch – I was forced into a space with some of the most inhospitable characters I have ever had to work with in my life. One individual who was also a dj and of a similar cultural background, didn’t understand my music or me rather because I ate salads, meditated, etc, and any chance he’d get would speak about my ‘weirdness’ non-stop in the utmost juvenile way to get under my skin. Another woman felt threatened by my presence and would complain to my supervisor if I was 5 minutes late to work or back from lunch any chance she’d get. And my supervisor was the most unprofessional person I had ever worked for. If there was something wrong with a project, or something wrong with me that she felt the need to express, she would come into my work area (which was out in the open) and attack me with such disdain loudly – so the entire office would hear. It didn’t matter that I expressed to her to speak to me about such things in her office. Or that I threatened to contact her supervisor who was afraid of her domineering personality…or that I would contact my agency about the issue; the turmoil went on and on and on…I felt like I was drowning…
I will never forget about a month after my solar return (birthday), I woke up to get ready for work and felt a heaviness in my soul and body…a deep well of anxiety building up in my heart. I crawled back into bed and decided I couldn’t return to that working environment. There was no amount of money in the world I could receive to work in such deplorable conditions. Every second was breaking me down. My mental, emotional and physical being was slowly crumbling. Not to mention, the actual location of my desk was near a loading dock filled with vile smells, dripping pipes, and all sorts of distractions which was the dreadful icing in the abominable working cake.
Some would say I was crazy for doing this, leaving a job that paid that much to do so little, but to me, it would be crazy if I didn’t leave. This was the first point of me truly shedding my skin – Having the strength and courage to walk away from unsavory situations where individuals didn’t treat me with respect. Even if materially the position would bring me to great heights – what is it worth to loose your soul for the love of a dollar? It brought me back to that place of the taunted child in elementary and middle school, finally digging out that courage to stand up for one’s self after the cruel final push on the playground. Such wounds I thought were long sealed were reopened at that challenging time. I had to work through the pain through serious soul searching and forgiveness to help the wound finally heal – instead of allowing it to become a nasty scar.
A month later in June, I had received a new assignment with a wonderful agency. They helped me back on my feet offering a great contract with a non-profit organization as the Office Manager and Human Resources Assistant. I received a corner office that had a leather seat and a view which allowed me to see the beautiful landscape of 5-6 towns in Northern Connecticut. I was astounded over how allowing myself to take that step out of the trouble led me to something far greater than I could imagine. Although I took a slight pay reduction, I felt more at ease to be in an environment which allowed me to work peacefully with an organization that truly cared about human welfare. I never looked back with anger for what happened in my past. In truth, I needed to experience that challenge myself and make strong decisions honoring my heart and intuition. Logically or through the eyes of the outsider – my decisions perhaps didn’t make any sense. But I knew in my soul that only through freeing myself from the barriers of the onlooker would I be able to reach the greater heights.
Yet this was not the only great challenge I had to face last year. I also experience some strange unfortunate issues brewing with long time friends. A few dear soul family just stopped connecting with no real explanation I could understand. I heard stories unpleasant stories lingering about me, all kinds of negative chatter about my character which I felt were deeply painful and unwarranted. Perhaps they didn’t understand me anymore… However I persevered by holding strong to my truth – Avoiding the trigger to move back into that space of the emotional inner child.
“Should I confront this issue?” I struggled with myself… “Why am I getting horrible looks from people who were once my family?”, “Why do they hate me now?”, “What have I truly done to any of them?”…. Ultimately no clear answers would ever come. I spoke about these hurtful issues in confidence with close friends. It was truly heartbreaking to endure… And I know from these conversations that many people who walk a path of self realization also experience similar painful rifts. For those who know me through my djing and wouldn’t expect me to be going through such personal strife… It is real out there…and the lessons are at times raw no matter who you are. None of us have a perfect life, but all of us have choices how we carry on.
In this particular situation I felt it really boiled down to two – allow this to make me crumble and wallow in self pity – or take these antagonizing emotions and utilize them as fuel to propel my life into something far greater. Last year I dug deep as best as I could, to take my love for djing and conscious living to whole new level. I felt I had to for my self…and that was a good enough reason in and of itself without need for validation. Which some probably didn’t understand at the time – But -I’ll put it into this perspective. I’ve lived for others for a very long time, neglecting myself for the greater good of everyone else around me. And there’s nothing wrong with being in service, its a very noble way to be… However, at some point we have to become responsible for our own lives first and foremost. Music became my outlet of dealing with the powerful challenges rocking my inner world. Yet through all the strange trials, there was this strange powerful light surrounding me and others I love and care for – After a while, I began to see such energetics as angels moving me along my path…and the challenges became opportunities to heal and grow.
And Like magic, the animosity was all gone. There were no attitudes, cold-shoulders… I just kept moving forward despite how uncomfortable things might have appeared to be on the outside. I felt peace again within and simply shifted away from interacting with those who did not resonate with my truth. I simply said, its not my issue, I have other things to deal with that are within my power…its all OK. I can safely say while I may never be as close to some individuals as I was, there is a level of respect and love that soothes my heart between many of us which remain. I reflect on this portion of my path…The ‘death’ I experienced in order to make way for a new phase in my life…opening the door for new kindreds of which I have a deep soul connection with. Life works in mysterious ways like that. Sometimes things happen to us not to trip us up, but to make way for new doors and relationships to find a root in our lives. If we ride that wave with love and faith, it tends to land right in a place we’ve wanted to be all along…although the journey is anything but what we initially expected.
Within my Music career, I recently had the great opportunity to work with a very dear longtime friend from London while he was on his tour in the US. I took a slot as opening act for some of his dates; played amazing shows up and down the east coast propelling me into a new thriving professional space I’ve never experienced before. I have my own two hour slot on Jungletrain.net – one of the longest running, most respected and well known internet radio stations in the world; just started a new role as content manger of drum & bass and deep house music for Satellite records; and another role as booking agent for an amazing artist from Austria who will be in his first US tour this summer. I feel as though I am soon coming to a place where I can focus solely on music and find careers based in music which complement my love of djing and making music without having to sacrifice who I am for another lame 9-5 jive to survive. This is what I’ve wanted and have dreamed of for a long time. Maybe if I wasn’t pushed out of my comfort zone by old friends – none of these things would have happened…as death comes in many forms and I had to allow an old part of myself die in order to reborn.
Although life isn’t a bed of roses, I’m very happy to have these experiences, and am truly finding perfection in my imperfections. There was a number of other things which have happened in my life last year which have climaxed into pushing me out of my comfort zone and truly walking the path I needed to make more mixes, produce music, receive more gigs, travel more, and become a more compassionate human being… Really one of the most important lessons from the universe is to not take what others do so personally and to stand up for myself when something doesn’t feel right in my heart. And even more importantly, while personally I have all these wonderful milestones to be thankful for, I also get to share successes with friends and help them along the way. I’ve realized that offering your love and support to others propels the energy along in a way that surpasses our wildest dreams… That love expands the horizons of collective exponentially…
A part of me had to die in order for this all to become a reality in my life. I sit here in reflection, a week before my birthday which is next week on April 5th and say…here is my reset button I’ve been waiting for this whole time. Here it is! It wasn’t given to me by some mysterious force…I created it! Instead of waiting for someone or something to save my life… I followed my instincts, and pushed along my path…shed what must be shed…forgiveness, healing, and regeneration…and here I am. Whole and Complete.
I’m very hopeful for this year, I see the next phase of my life blossoming before my eyes… into the masterpiece I’ve wanted it to be all along without trying so hard. I’m making it happen with love! The reset button is always around us, but a fairy isn’t going to bring it to us on a golden dish… Nor is staples… lol… We have to make it happen ourselves. We need to confront our darkness and identify our weaknesses. We need to recognize that part of ourselves that is no longer true to our heart…that no longer serves our greatest good…and let it go as food for the universe. This is the only way we’ll evolve out of our own limitations. This is the only way we will truly be free.
Thank you cosmic reset button! I jump for joy upon you – as you guide me and so many others into an new phase of existence we’ve never experienced before… as all possibilities from here on out are ENDLESS! Believe in yourselves everyone, and let go of the old you to make way for the new. 2012 can be a reset button for all humanity as long as we choose to make it so. And remember, the choice is yours and no one elses to decide… we are the dreamers of our sacred dreams. You are all Divine as you are created by the Divine and exist in a perpetual blessing we call Life. Recognize the power you have been blessed with and create a future to not only benefit yourselves, but those around you. Shine your light and walk with courageous steps. Its time we all make our journey home to the heart as one.
Peace, bless & love to all.
March 31st, 2012
I’d like to dedicate this to: My mother, Kevin C. Aneka M., Briana U., Julez, Kalomo J, Abe W, Megha A., Kahlil, Victor R., Andre R., Jay D., Jocelyn S., Han S., Elijah D., Mikey P., Andy Y., Jeff E., Dean J., Melissa D, Matt S, Katell M, and many others who were there for me when I thought at moments I would loose it, you all helped me stay focused and believe in myself. Thank you. I would also like to dedicate this to Kristin Anderson & James Miller (rest in peace, I love you both).